Why I Can't Say "I Love You"

Learning the language here is daunting.  I can't even say something as simple as, "I love you."  Here's why it's a challenge....

So the word for "love" in Vietnamese is "yêu".  That doesn't change.  But the "I" and the "you" change all the time in a constant flow of relationship exchange and community spirit of familial understanding. (confused yet??)

To try to say "I love you", I might say "em yêu anh" (I love you) if I was talking to Greg but if I was talking to my grandmother I would be a cháu not an em and she would be a bà not an anh. So "I love you" would be "Cháu yêu bà".  Of course I might want to say that to my grandchildren, at which I'd be the bà and they would be the cháu. So this time "I love You" would look like: Bà yêu cháu.   So at any given point in time for any kind of conversation,  I might be a chị or a cô or a bà or a cháu, (sister, older aunt, grandparent, or grandchild) and I might be speaking to an em, or a cháu or a con or an ông (sister, grandchild, child or a grandfather)! And since everyone here feels related to each other, everyone uses family terms, even if there is no relation.  It's the polite thing to do!

I haven't memorized this chart yet.....a list of all the possible pronouns....

Term	Reciprocal	Literal meaning	Non-kinship usage	Note
cha	con	father	a priest	Many other terms are used, depending on the dialect: ba, bố, tía, thầy
mẹ	con	mother		mẹ is the Northern form, má is used in the South. Many other terms are used, depending on the dialect: u, bầm, mạ
anh	em	older brother	an older man of the same generation; the man in a romantic relationship; a man (formal use)	Can be used to address any male regardless of status. e.g. By military personnel to those of lower ranks.
chị	em	older sister	an older woman of the same generation; a woman (formal use)
em	anh or chị	younger sibling	a younger person of the same generation; a child; the woman in a romantic relationship
con	cha, mẹ, bà, etc.	biological child or grandchild	a young child; a person at least one generation younger
cháu	ông, bà, bác, chú, etc.	grandchild; niece; nephew; cousin of junior generations	a young child; a person at least one generation younger
ông	cháu or con	grandfather	a middle-aged man	paternal and maternal grandfathers are differentiated as ông nội (paternal grandfather) and ông ngoại (maternal grandfather), respectively
bà	cháu or con	grandmother	a middle-aged (married) woman	paternal and maternal grandmothers are differentiated as bà nội (paternal grandmother) and bà ngoại (maternal grandmother), respectively
cô	cháu	father's sister	a female teacher, an older woman as old as one's father, a young (usually unmarried) woman (formal)	in some dialects, literal meaning is restricted to father's younger sister
chú	cháu	father's younger brother	an older man as old as one's father, a slightly younger man (formal)	in some dialects, literal meaning is restricted to father's younger brother
thím	cháu	chú's wife
bác	cháu	a parent's older sibling; his/her spouse	a person older than one's parents	in some dialects, can also refer to father's elder brother or sister as well as mother's elder brother or sister
dì	cháu	mother's sister, stepmother	a woman as old as one's mother,	in some dialects, literal meaning is restricted to mother's younger sister
cậu	cháu	mother's brother	a man as old as one's mother, a close friend (Northern variety)	in some dialects, literal meaning is restricted to mother's younger brother
mợ	cháu	cậu's wife		in some dialects, used by the husband to refer to his wife, children to refer to mother, or parents-in-law to refer to a daughter-in-law
dượng	cháu	the husband of cô or dì, stepfather
cụ/cố	cháu	great-grandparent	a very old person
sơ	cháu	great-great-grandparent
họ		clan	they	third person plural for a group of people

So before I launch into saying anything, I have to evaluate who it is I am, in relation to the person to whom I am attempting to share my feelings, and then evaluate who THEY are in relation to my position in the family or age or relationship tree.  By the time I have it figured out, the moment has passed and I end up all tongued-tied and mind-blank from a dizzying array of options.

It's just downright exhausting!

Fortunately, a smile and a "Xin Chào" (hello) seem to work for nearly everyone - and we end up with lots of happy faces in spite of our communicative limitations!